A publisher once said to me that women buy self-help books and share them with their men. Although I am sure this is generally true, men do buy and read books like the international best seller ‘The Game’ and ‘Rules of the Game’ by Neil Strauss in which he tells the (AFC) Average Frustrated Chump how to successfully seduce women.
In addition to his 11 step programme in the Game and his 30 day Challenge in Rules of the Game, Strauss offers some excellent advice to men to enable them to be more attractive to women. His suggestions include:
- Get a hobby
- Get a new shirt
- Have something to talk about
- Have a shave and a haircut
- Have good personal hygiene
- Hold a dinner party
At the end of the books, which in my view are brilliantly written with great humour, I was left with the feeling that although he could manipulate virtually any woman into sex that there was complete lack of any attempt to have a real emotional connection or long term relationship.
I was therefore interested to read Neil Strauss’s latest book called ‘The Truth’. The book starts off with him attending an in-patient clinic for sex addiction after he was discovered to be cheating on his girlfriend. After over a year of various attempts to cure himself of continually wanting to have sex with other women, he plunges himself into a life of sexual gratification on the grounds that he believes that pursuing sex is man’s natural instinct.
The book documents his often hilarious journey through his increasingly bizarre attempts to gain sexual highs, through high class orgies, experiments with Polyamory and obscure sexual groups. Gradually he realises that his path is self destructive and wants to reignite the relationship with the girlfriend he cheated on. With the help of a trusted therapist, his long standing philosophical friend Rick and immersion in a wide range of therapeutic approaches, he claws his way back to reconnect with himself and his girlfriend.
What was particularly interesting to me was when he recalls the words of his therapist who says:
‘Because it isn’t until we start developing an honest, compassionate and functional relationship with ourselves that we can begin to experience a healthy, loving relationship with others’
and she defines a healthy relationship as –
‘When two individual adults decide to have a relationship and that becomes a third entity. They nurture the relationship and the relationship nurtures them. But they are not overly dependent or independent. They are interdependent which means that they take care of the majority of their needs and wants on their own but when they can’t, they’re not afraid to ask their partner for help’
And Strauss himself concludes:
‘It took the pain of the last year to realize that I needed to stop being a half trying to find my other half, but to be a whole on my own’
‘Instead of trying to find other people to complete me I am finally completing myself.’
At the end of book his trusted friend Rick gives him this advice
‘If things don’t work out with Ingrid, in order to give your next relationship a chance, I would recommend building intimacy and making a deep emotional connection before beginning a sexual relationship’ …. To wait three months before having sex with your next girl friend.’
When I read this I gave a sigh of relief that Strauss with all his sexual success and experience with women had come to the conclusion that to have an intimate and loving relationship with someone else you need to make yourself complete or whole first.
Men know that relationships are not working for them at the moment but in the absence of having a template for successful relationships they are avoiding emotional engagement with partners. I can’t say I blame them.
My aim in this book is to enable both men and women to be able to create a template for a safe, evolving, relationship, which meets their need for difference and adventure.
In order to do this I am going to help you to explore how you became the person you are and what this means for the partners you will attract. You will then be able to diagnose your relationship history and make some different choices if you would like to. The book will then go on to help you to build the skills to achieve your relationship goals.
If you would like to follow the whole story of The Evolution of Love please go to the contents page below which includes links to all the chapters.
Please note that this article is Copyright and cannot be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any way without prior permission of the author.