The Rise of ‘Fun’
Another form of impoverished love is what I would call ‘the rise of fun.’
I included it in the section on impoverished love because it describes behaviour which is impoverished – but it’s not love at all and makes no real pretence at love.
After talking to many men on the internet, as I have mentioned before, they said frequently the equivalent of ‘I could not have tried harder at my marriage and it didn’t work’. They then often followed this with ‘so I don’t want anything complicated in the future, I just want ‘fun’’.
Although I believe that these men are mostly well intentioned, they probably think this is a personal decision that they have made and don’t realise that many, many other men are going down the same route, particularly since as I have suggested that they are unlikely to have discussed their emotional lives with others.
Many men I have talked to suggested that they did not get the amount of sex in their marriage or long-term relationships, that they were expecting or hoped for. So when they are no longer in these partnerships their primary interest seems to be sex and not relationship.
The way it has often been expressed to me is that if they get sex and happen to find a relationship along the way that they feel comfortable in and does not make emotional demands on them, then they see that as a bonus.
If I were a man who has come out of a messy relationship, who has not been able to process his emotions and who is probably still paying for the wife and kids, I am pretty sure that I would feel exactly the same. What I think is going on here is self-protection. They have been hurt before and don’t want to be hurt again.
If you combine this stance with Neil Strauss’s ‘The Game’ and ‘Rules of the Game’ or just the tips and tricks that men share with each other, you have a recipe for men who can get women into bed but have no intention whatsoever of getting themselves into a relationship. There are also many ‘sex starved’ men both in and out of relationships who just hope to ‘get lucky’.
I am sure there are many women, who faced with this situation, understand men enough to get into a relationship with them. I am not one of them. As a woman who has been on the receiving end of this approach, it seems to me that the effect of this self protection, on women who might want a relationship, is a constant ‘sexual audition’ on the part of men.
From talking to many men about this impression I have formed, what they seem to be looking for is good, available sex, with little emotional involvement and few financial ties.
Whilst I understand their point of view, the effect on relationships in general has I believe been catostrophic.
And if you believe like I do that healthy relationships feed our emotional, physical, mental and spiritual well being, men in particular are choosing to ‘opt out’ of becoming involved because relationships can be complicated, messy and to many of them unfathomable.
Another aspect of impoverished love that is worth mentioning here too is the role of porn in non functioning or non-existent relationships. I will talk about this in my next blog.
Thank you to Stella Pitman for permission to use her photograph in this blog
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