The central theme of the book is to:
‘Develop the beliefs, acquire the knowledge and learn the skills to love and accept yourself in order to be able to love and accept others’.
Three principles are central to the book:
We all have a drive towards completion, which influences the experiences that we attract towards us, and our choice of partner.
The relationships you will have are a reflection of your own personal development. So if you want a better relationship you need to develop a better relationship with yourself.
Learning to love is like learning a language, being good at a sport or learning to play an instrument. It is a skill that needs to be learnt.
Here are the heart lines…….
I have always read the papers and stuff and seen articles about people who’ve committed suicide and I used to think “You selfish so and so. How can you do something like that?” but there’s time at the beginning where you think – you kind of know how they feel. When I look at my 3 kids, I couldn’t do that to them. I am not saying I have not sat there and thought I was going to do it but I have sat there and thought I understand and can see how you can sink into a mad place, where you just think, you know what forget this. But I have been lucky. I have had so many people around me, who have been tight around me’.
Essentially you take a graph. One side has the level of crazy and the other side has the level of ‘hotness’. Now I watched a ‘You Tube’ video, which went through a schematic analysis of where different kinds of girls fit. Essentially you have the coolness scale mixed with the craziness scale. So you have the crazy line and then finally you have a super attractive girl who is not crazy, who is super cool and you get on really well with – the Unicorn. Continue reading
The book is a cumulative build so that one chapter builds on the previous one so that at the end there is a coherent story about relationships in the twenty first century. Having said that I have also written all the chapters in such a way that they can be ‘stand alone’ blogs. The list of contents and the date I posted each blog is below to help orientate you around the book. Continue reading
You would have been raised by people who you knew loved you and were prepared to express and demonstrate this, they would have always been there for you, established clear boundaries to help you feel safe, helped you to adopt a clear set of values, taken time to listen to and helped you to interpret your feelings, thoughts and ideas, encouraged you in all your interests, validated your emotions and assisted you in your emotional development. They would have helped you to be the best you could be, celebrated your achievements, accepted your weaknesses, encouraged you to be empathetic with others, given you constructive feedback when they thought it would help you and taught you to give constructive feedback when you were unhappy about someone else’s behaviour. They would have allowed you to depend on them when you were young and celebrated your independence when you were ready. Finally they would have modelled a successful and loving relationship with a partner. Continue reading
We went for a drink in the station bar and were having a chat when I noticed on the train timetable screen that there was train back to London in 25 minutes. So I told him that I could not go through with the weekend although I was happy to answer any questions that he had. I felt terrible for doing this but I just knew that it would have been a mistake to stay. So I got back on the train and looked wistfully out of the window and reflected on what might have been. Continue reading
Each session was usually instigated by something that was on our mind or something that had happened to us in the intervening period. We found that the sessions had a natural progression and a unique timeliness about them. We also realised how much our own friendship was deepening as we learnt to value each other and develop strategies to enhance our connection and communication. This was a very real and unexpected outcome of our work together. Continue reading
‘The reason why we have so much trouble with relationships today, maybe our neglect of its study. We expect to find intimacy naturally without education or initiation. When we fail in this area, we assume that we must have some inborn lack. But the fact is we do nothing well in life and that includes intimacy unless we have the schooled imagination for it.’ Continue reading
In talking to hundreds of men over the past few years one thing I have been struck by is the need they have for adventure. It would seem that a lot of men who have been married for many years, love their wives and family and don’t want to jeopardise their lifestyle. However they don’t seem to be having the level of sex that they would like and they are bored. They are crying out for adventure. Continue reading
The Power of Groups Groups can replicate the family dynamic and be very uncomfortable places to be. They can also be incredibly healing places too. I used to avoid groups like the plague because I found that my old stories of inclusion and exclusion played out again in the groups I was part of. This … Continue reading