If we are raised in a family where we have to put on a mask (or adopt a persona) in order to fit in, we are likely to attract another person wearing a mask when it comes to having relationships. It takes something like experience the men went through in ‘The Lonely Hearts Club’ where they were able to be present in a non judgemental and accepting environment for our masks to fall away. Continue reading
It is interesting that when Veronica and I first started to work together to explore relationships, it never occurred to us that as the time progressed we would effectively limbically develop each other. However from the outset we set clear boundaries, researched topics of interest and relevance, participated enthusiastically in each other’s planned activities, gave each other positive and constructive feedback and were committed to attending the meetings. As I have mentioned before much to our surprise we did not talk about men very often or relationships for that matter. Continue reading
The authors suggest that most of our emotional development is achieved during our pre verbal years and requires ‘mountains of repetition’ and ‘years of long-standing togetherness’ to write permanent changes into a brain’s open book. In a relationship one mind revises another; one heart changes its partner. Continue reading
To be securely attached you would have experienced all or most of the following ingredients in your childhood:-
You would have been raised by people who you knew loved you and were prepared to express and demonstrate this, they would have always been there for you, established clear boundaries to help you feel safe, helped you to adopt a clear set of values, taken time to listen to and helped you to interpret your feelings, thoughts and ideas, encouraged you in all your interests, validated your emotions and assisted you in your emotional development. They would have helped you to be the best you could be, celebrated your achievements, accepted your weaknesses, encouraged you to be empathetic with others, given you constructive feedback when they thought it would help you and taught you to give constructive feedback when you were unhappy about someone else’s behaviour. They would have allowed you to depend on them when you were young and celebrated your independence when you were ready. Finally they would have modelled a successful and loving relationship with a partner. Continue reading
For us, evolving love was a journey rather than a destination. We realised that as we changed, it would change. We also realised that people we had previously been attracted ceased to interest us and people with different qualities started coming into our lives (or maybe we just started to notice them).
Although there is no map or template, for this part of the journey we did gather hints or suggestions from some of the authors who have eluded to it. Continue reading
Accepting love is characterised by acceptance of self. It is a recognition, that we are all a blend of positive and negative, light and dark. In fact we are potentially all elements of the Psychological Bingo Board and more. This acceptance is propelled by the drive towards integration that we have inside of us Continue reading