To be securely attached you would have experienced all or most of the following ingredients in your childhood:-
You would have been raised by people who you knew loved you and were prepared to express and demonstrate this, they would have always been there for you, established clear boundaries to help you feel safe, helped you to adopt a clear set of values, taken time to listen to and helped you to interpret your feelings, thoughts and ideas, encouraged you in all your interests, validated your emotions and assisted you in your emotional development. They would have helped you to be the best you could be, celebrated your achievements, accepted your weaknesses, encouraged you to be empathetic with others, given you constructive feedback when they thought it would help you and taught you to give constructive feedback when you were unhappy about someone else’s behaviour. They would have allowed you to depend on them when you were young and celebrated your independence when you were ready. Finally they would have modelled a successful and loving relationship with a partner. Continue reading
For us, evolving love was a journey rather than a destination. We realised that as we changed, it would change. We also realised that people we had previously been attracted ceased to interest us and people with different qualities started coming into our lives (or maybe we just started to notice them).
Although there is no map or template, for this part of the journey we did gather hints or suggestions from some of the authors who have eluded to it. Continue reading
Accepting love is characterised by acceptance of self. It is a recognition, that we are all a blend of positive and negative, light and dark. In fact we are potentially all elements of the Psychological Bingo Board and more. This acceptance is propelled by the drive towards integration that we have inside of us Continue reading
Coming back to where we started that marriage is a gamble ‘by two people who don’t yet know who they are or who the other might be’. For a relationship to succeed and evolve both parties need to take responsibility for their own happiness and address their own needs for development. This involves learning to accept themselves but also learning to accept the other as they are. You can’t expect them to change. If the partner chooses to change, that is a bonus and this joint development will allow them to move forward together. Continue reading
Foley suggests that after the dream wedding, the problems that were suppressed during the illusion of romantic love return, observing that ‘no one is easy to live with’, there are only ‘degrees of difficulty’. He strikes a chord when he says that instead of being encrusted with diamonds we are all a bundle ‘of irritating beliefs, habits, superstitions, neuroses, moods, ailments, indulgences and bad taste not to mention appalling relatives and inexplicable friends.’ Continue reading
I believe that this life cycle of falling in love and falling out of it will feel familiar to most of us. In his reactions you see how his own insecurities heighten his positive feelings and deepen his negative feelings. He finishes the book by talking about ‘Love Lessons’ and concludes that although romantic love is painful, full of jealousy, masochism and obsession that it is preferable to the painless, pleasant, peaceful and reciprocated feelings of mature love. Continue reading
The Rise of ‘Fun’ Another form of impoverished love is what I would call ‘the rise of fun.’ I included it in the section on impoverished love because it describes behaviour which is impoverished – but it’s not love at all and makes no real pretence at love. After talking to many men on the … Continue reading
This level of ‘love’ is characterised by a lack of discrimination in chosen partners. The worst examples of this behaviour can be seen on shows like Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer. When people go on these shows they have often met through social media, got pregnant within weeks or even days of meeting, switch partners when they are on ‘a break’, which might just be overnight, and seem to enjoy the attention they get from arguing about their partner and the relationship on national television.
What fascinates me about this type of relationship is that when warring couples are asked why they are still together often whilst being held back by the security staff, they say ‘ but we love each other’. This is because they are used to an impoverished template of love. Continue reading
Having read many books on relationships I realised that much of the information was conflicting and much of the advice was manipulative. Then I hit on the idea that the reason that the advice was conflicting is that they were talking about different types of relationships Once I realised this, I used the idea of … Continue reading
In my previous blog I talked about a concept called the Psychological Bingo Board and explained how we in effect programme our personality based on the behaviours and beliefs which enable us to get attention when we are growing up. The idea behind the Psychological Bingo Board is that we have within us potentially all … Continue reading