The central theme of the book is to:
‘Develop the beliefs, acquire the knowledge and learn the skills to love and accept yourself in order to be able to love and accept others’.
Three principles are central to the book:
We all have a drive towards completion, which influences the experiences that we attract towards us, and our choice of partner.
The relationships you will have are a reflection of your own personal development. So if you want a better relationship you need to develop a better relationship with yourself.
Learning to love is like learning a language, being good at a sport or learning to play an instrument. It is a skill that needs to be learnt.
Here are the heart lines…….
The book is a cumulative build so that one chapter builds on the previous one so that at the end there is a coherent story about relationships in the twenty first century. Having said that I have also written all the chapters in such a way that they can be ‘stand alone’ blogs. The list of contents and the date I posted each blog is below to help orientate you around the book. Continue reading
Each session was usually instigated by something that was on our mind or something that had happened to us in the intervening period. We found that the sessions had a natural progression and a unique timeliness about them. We also realised how much our own friendship was deepening as we learnt to value each other and develop strategies to enhance our connection and communication. This was a very real and unexpected outcome of our work together. Continue reading
It is interesting that when Veronica and I first started to work together to explore relationships, it never occurred to us that as the time progressed we would effectively limbically develop each other. However from the outset we set clear boundaries, researched topics of interest and relevance, participated enthusiastically in each other’s planned activities, gave each other positive and constructive feedback and were committed to attending the meetings. As I have mentioned before much to our surprise we did not talk about men very often or relationships for that matter. Continue reading
The authors suggest that most of our emotional development is achieved during our pre verbal years and requires ‘mountains of repetition’ and ‘years of long-standing togetherness’ to write permanent changes into a brain’s open book. In a relationship one mind revises another; one heart changes its partner. Continue reading
Accepting love is characterised by acceptance of self. It is a recognition, that we are all a blend of positive and negative, light and dark. In fact we are potentially all elements of the Psychological Bingo Board and more. This acceptance is propelled by the drive towards integration that we have inside of us Continue reading
This level of ‘love’ is characterised by a lack of discrimination in chosen partners. The worst examples of this behaviour can be seen on shows like Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer. When people go on these shows they have often met through social media, got pregnant within weeks or even days of meeting, switch partners when they are on ‘a break’, which might just be overnight, and seem to enjoy the attention they get from arguing about their partner and the relationship on national television.
What fascinates me about this type of relationship is that when warring couples are asked why they are still together often whilst being held back by the security staff, they say ‘ but we love each other’. This is because they are used to an impoverished template of love. Continue reading
In my previous blog I talked about a concept called the Psychological Bingo Board and explained how we in effect programme our personality based on the behaviours and beliefs which enable us to get attention when we are growing up. The idea behind the Psychological Bingo Board is that we have within us potentially all … Continue reading
This is longer than my other posts – I hope you will stay with me – it’s interesting!! Sometimes I find it quite hard to track how the ideas in the book came about because it was an evolving and iterative process. One thought led to another until a way of thinking was developed which … Continue reading